


yet love knows not of death (nor calculous above the simple sum of heart plus heart)

by amadgirlwithabox



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, also what a long ass title, and i want to spread that happiness, and it's written in clarke's 2 pov which is cool cause i like clarke a lot, bc they made me happy, clexa moments are happy, i guess it's like a closing canon divergence, it's a bit angsty but, so i know i'm late but this is my fix it fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 13:36:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6286729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amadgirlwithabox/pseuds/amadgirlwithabox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you’re cold, you’re thirsty, and you’ve never felt this tired in your life.</p><p>a lot of things have happened in the past two weeks. you feel sick when the image of lexa being shot and bleeding out comes to your mind again (apparently, it doesn’t have enough with being in your nightmares). she lived, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	yet love knows not of death (nor calculous above the simple sum of heart plus heart)

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my fix it fic that comes two weeks late cause i'm late to everything and also i didn't have the motivation to write. but now i do so that's cool and if you follow 'our youth is fleeting' i promise i'll be updating within next week most likely.
> 
> if you enjoyed this, it'd be super cool of you to leave a comment.  
> and if you didn't, it'd be super cool if you told me why in the comments so that i can get better!
> 
> come find me over here http://bihedaclarke.tumblr.com/

_title taken from love is parallax, poem by sylvia plath_

* * *

 

you wake up with a throbbing head and eyelids heavy as mountains. the bright light that you can feel even with your eyes closed doesn’t help gain motivation to open them.

  
you’re cold, you’re thirsty, and you’ve never felt this tired in your life.

  
a lot of things have happened in the past two weeks. you feel sick when the image of lexa being shot and bleeding out comes to your mind again (apparently, it doesn’t have enough with being in your nightmares). she lived, of course.

  
lexa was so calm when you were covering her stomach in an effort to stop the bleeding. she was dying and she wasn’t putting up any fight. she didn’t care to try and stay. but she had made a promise to you, you reminded her, just when she told you not to be afraid. you reminded her that she had vowed to treat your needs as her own. you told her you needed her to stay alive, and she did. it wasn’t easy, but she was alive. she is alive.

  
but, you still had to leave. now, not only did you have to leave behind the woman you love in order to give yourself completely to your people, but you also had to leave her wounded, tired and weak.

  
you still think of some day when lexa can be completely hers and you can be completely yours, so that you can be each other’s. but that day is yet to come and until then, both of you belong to your people.

  
so you left.

  
and you came to a place you were supposed to call home. a home in which your friends locked you up because you were yelling from the top of your lungs not to attack the grounders.

  
they’re not the bad guys, you told them. you are, we are. we are. we are. i am.

  
you spent four days in a cage. in solitary, because that seems to be the norm when it comes to imprisoning you. in the meanwhile, kane was leading the rebellion against pike. octavia was trying to talk some sense in her brother’s head, losing a bit of hope after each encounter with him. your mom was trying to save as many as she could, good, evil or neither. lincoln was also locked, in the cage next to yours.

  
but on your fifth day, they took lincoln. they took lincoln and you were led outside to presence his execution. you watched as bellamy almost let him get killed.

  
(lincoln survived, and maybe you would have considered that a victory. but the utter disgust, hatred and betrayal in octavia’s face when she looked at her brother is enough for you to know no one won that day.)

  
hell broke loose. the funny thing about sky people, you think, is that they- we, have guns. it’s a heartbreaking thing when friends shoot at each other to death.

  
arkadia was divided into two sides: the one led by pike and yours. you didn’t want anybody to get killed. you just wanted them to listen, to understand. they don’t own this land. they will not own this land by killing innocent people. they just had to sentence the people responsible for the murders. needless to say, things weren’t as smoothly.

two days and forty-six dead bodies after, bellamy surrounded himself. others followed him, because he’s bellamy, and that’s just bound to happen. and pike’s resistance was left with less than fifty people.

  
but things got messier. the commander arrived. the grounders entered our civil war and pike’s resistance was wiped out, him included. bellamy and the others were locked up until a sentence to their crimes was reached.

  
everything was going to be fine. you wanted to cry and you wanted to laugh and you wanted to yell at lexa for riding her horse from polis to arkadia with a gunshot wound on her stomach.

  
(you did, actually. you yelled at her and you scowled at her and you sobbed against her chest. but she was alive, you were alive. you had a chance. she hugged you and she wiped your tears because there wasn’t anything else you could do in the midst of a war. she is heda and you’re wanheda. and that some day for lexa and clarke is not here yet.)

  
still, that wasn’t your happy ever after.

  
you had already learnt about the truth behind the commander’s spirit. now the spirit’s evil twin wanted to send the world to its end. again. and who else better to make the world go boom than raven reyes, right?

  
you saved raven, but you didn’t save jasper, you didn’t save jaha.

  
the city of light was something you never imagined. you weren’t prepared to face it. and you couldn’t have without lexa. fortunately to you, lexa was there. every step of the way. she was with you. you defeated alie together. the city of light burst, and you collapsed in lexa’s arms.

  
and here you are now. you don’t know for how long you’ve slept. what you do know is that this bed is very comfortable, and these blankets wrapping around you are helping to fight the coldness away.

  
you don’t want to open your eyes and face more battles. you can’t win more wars, and you can’t lose anything else because even now, even after all that’s happened, even after all that’s missing in your life, you have so, so much to lose.

  
panic settles in when you hear loud voices, screaming, fighting, hurting. you wish you could ignore it, you wish you could just lay here and let sleep take you away. but you can’t.

  
among the yelling, you think you pick up your mother’s voice, and that calms you for a moment. it gives you enough courage to open your eyes and face reality. the first thing you see is the bright light bulb you know belongs in the medical wing, so that settles your location. the next thing you see is-

  
it’s lexa. lexa, who was shot in the stomach not even two weeks ago and hasn’t have enough time to recover. lexa, who rode on horse half a day with her wound in order to come to your aid. lexa, who maintained her composure when one war was won and another one was brewing, and there wasn’t enough time for you to touch her, to watch her, to talk to her, to love her.

  
lexa, whose eyes filled with tears when you kissed her, and looked at you like you were the most incredible thing in the world. lexa, who makes you feel like you’re the most incredible thing in the world.

  
“clarke,” she says. she sounds relieved, but tired. “how are you feeling?”

  
“fine,” you answer, and both of you know the real meaning behind that word, so she doesn’t insist, she understands. “how long have i been sleeping?”

  
“nearly two whole days,” she says.

  
you ask yourself if she’s been wide awake during the time that you’ve been out of it. knowing lexa, and seeing the tired, slow blinking of her eyes, she probably has.

  
the shouts are back again, and they break your intimacy, and they break your peace. but they always do.

  
“what’s that about?” you ask, making an effort to get up.

  
lexa stands from her chair and rushes the two steps to your bed. she puts her hands firmly on your shoulders and softly keeps you in place. “nothing you have to worry about,” she says. “not yet. rest, clarke.”

  
“lexa, i can’t-”

  
“yes,” she cuts you, “you can. we can, clarke.” she grabs your hand and brings the chair closer to the bed, sitting by your side. she takes your hand to her lips and places a shy kiss on your knuckles. “your body needs to recover. the rest can wait, for now.”

  
“i’m not the only one who needs to rest,” you protest. “you almost died, lexa. you can’t just sit there like nothing happened.”

  
“i’m not,” she says. “i am fine, clarke. your mother takes care of my wounds everyday. i will live.”

  
maybe it’s because you’re so very tired, or maybe it’s because you are on drugs. maybe it’s because lexa always talks about her death like it’s already her present, and this is the first time she’s told you that she is going to live. and she is, so you break down.

  
“i--i need... i need...” you nearly choke on your own words.

  
her eyes fill with panic, “what is it? what is wrong? what do you need, clarke?”

  
“i need you,” you manage to say. “i need you to stop being so far away from me.”

  
her brows frown and you know she’s about to go in search of your mother, so you continue, “get in here, with me.”

  
lexa smiles shyly, hopeful. “your mother may come in in any moment.”

  
“i don’t care.”

  
it’s a bit difficult for you both to get in a comfortable position. your bodies are tired and hurt, almost as much as your souls. in the end you lie your head in the crook of lexa’s neck, as she’s laying on her back. she carefully wraps your body in her arms, and you know she’s giving you time to draw back from her hold. but she smells like rain and soft, burning fire, she’s warm, and her hair tingles a bit in your face. and you think that you never want her to stop holding you.

  
(it’s been a long time since you’ve felt this whole.)

  
you fall asleep again, and you wake up to her calm breathing against your hair, her quiet sighs, and her tight embrace.

  
you want to turn around and appreciate the amazingly beautiful and rare experience that comes from watching lexa sleep, but you’re afraid that if you move a muscle in the small bed you two are sharing, you will wake her.

  
you nearly do when the sound of someone clearing their throat next to your bed startles you.

  
it’s your mother. she’s taken lexa’s former spot on the chair beside your side of the bed, and she’s watching you with curious, cautious eyes. she’s wearing her white doctor coat. she also looks tired, but it’s not the same as you and lexa, it’s a different kind of tired.

  
and also, she’s your mom, and she just caught you and lexa sleeping together in the same, very small, bed.

  
“mom,” your voice is drowsy with sleep.

  
“sweetheart,” she smiles with teary eyes and your breath catches. “how are you?”

  
“better,” you answer. “much better.”

  
she nods, and she wastes no time in addressing the elephant in the room (she’s your mom, after all). “she hasn’t left your side unless it was strictly necessary,” she briefly lets her gaze wander to lexa comfortably sleeping form around you. “i didn’t know why. i’ve had my suspicions for a long time, but i just begged that my motherly instincts had me overreacting.”

  
you are ready to defend yourself. you are ready to defend this woman you love, even if you have to defend her against this other woman you love. no one will ever understand lexa, nor what you and lexa have and are trying to build. but you will die before letting your own mother doubt your feelings.

  
“mom, you-”

  
“let me finish, clarke,” she puts one hand up to stop you. “i didn’t want my daughter to be romantically involved with the commander, who would? that life is ruthless, dangerous and uncertain. i didn’t want that for you,” a tear falls from her eyes and she quickly wipes it away. “what i didn’t realise sooner is that, that life? that’s also your life. you may not be the commander, but everything you’ve done to keep us save, the decisions you had to make... you’ve grown so much, clarke. you’ve made me so proud. but,” she has to stop and compose herself, which you also need, even though you’re not the one talking. “there are a lot of things i can’t understand about the things you've done. but lexa can. i’ve seen you fighting side by side, and i’ve seen you complementing each other in war councils, and i’ve seen her keeping guard on you for two whole days, barely closing her eyes.”

  
“she makes me better,” you say. you have to clear your throat to swallow down the knot that’s formed.

  
“yes,” she nods. “she’s good for you. and you’re good for her.”

  
you stay in silent for a bit. it’s calm, peaceful. it’s all you could ask for and more. your mom brings you a tray with food for you and lexa, though she hasn’t woken up yet. she stays while you eat your food, and then she’s off to her doctor duties, placing a kiss in your forehead and telling you she loves you.

  
lexa wakes up a little after that. you get to a sitting position and grab her tray of food. she groans in protest and tugs you back to her, she’s not done sleeping and neither are you. but her stomach growls and you grin at her sheepish smile.

  
she lets you feed her and maybe, just maybe, you make a bit of a mess. but her cheeks blush when you kiss her cheek and it’s such a delicious sight that you lean in and press your lips softly against hers.

  
you haven’t kissed since that night. not because you didn’t want to, but because there was so much to do, so many people to think about other than yourself.

  
you’re too tired to do anything other than a few chaste kisses, but, for now, it’s enough. lexa, alive and by your side, is all you need.

  
the following days are not easy, but you’ve had worse, much worse. bellamy and the rest get a two-year banishment. it’s a merciful punishment, because their eyes are full of regret, because lexa is standing by her word, and because the world has had enough bloodshed to last for all of your lives.

 

“i will be leaving to polis by sunrise,” lexa tells you one night.

  
you’re in her tent, because the room assigned to you in the ark feels too metallic and reminds you of painful memories. because you can’t and don’t want to spend time away from lexa, as long as you can avoid it.

  
you turn around in her bed, your naked legs tangling together. you’re confused by her choice of words. “why didn’t you say anything sooner?” you ask.

  
“i wanted to put off the goodbye as much as possible,” she admits quietly.

  
“goodbye?” you frown. then you get it, “you don’t expect me to come with you.”

  
lexa is the one left confused now, like you wanting to go with her was such a surprising discovery. “i know your place is with your people, clarke. i will not ask you to choose me over them.”

  
“what if i wanted to?” you ask, swallowing down the lump in your throat. “would you want me to?”

  
“yes,” the answer comes without any hesitation, sending shivers down your spine. “yes. yes. always.”

  
“they have kane,” you say, droppin kisses along her collarbone. “and they have my mum and they...”

  
“clarke, breathe.” she tells you, even when her voice is as full of emotion as yours.

  
“the ark... arkadia is not home,” you meet your eyes, hopeful, understanding, loving. “i want to come with you. i want to go home with you.”

  
you feel her tears as she kisses you. you both know you’re not ready to say those words, because the war is still too recent, and there are still too many things to work out.

  
but you both know they’re true, and they’re there, waiting for the right moment. so for now, you show lexa how much you love her, and lexa shows you how much she loves you.

  
and that someday is not here yet, but it feels closer than ever.

 


End file.
